On What's Missing (Obsession du Jour, Part One)
Well, as you may have read on previous posts, I now live in Rhode Island. Eric and I have moved into a great house, way more space than we need, with a front and back yard, front porch and back deck to boot. I'm planning to eventully post some pics of it here, as it's probably the nicest place I've livced since I moved out of my parents' house ten years ago.
I love Eric more than I can say here. He's everything I've been searching for in a partner. Intelligent, intuitive, into things I'm into, well-read, well-versed, and I can spend the whole night talking to him about everything and nothing. I feel fulfilled, where love is concerned. I've found the illusive requited love. Yay me.
I love my job here. My boss is incredible. The hotel has its challenges, but we're overcoming them. We have a great team.
I love the area. Newport, Pawtuxet Village, College Hill in Providence, and even Providence itself, which is beautiful, just overshadowed by the beauty of its surrounding areas.
Last week, during pride week I got goosebumps when I saw the rainbow flag hanging from City Hall. It felt like justification in the wake of my parents, (and recently the rest of my extended family - another rant to come) finding out about my sexuality. Being gay is accepted here, not just tolerated. The mayor of Providence is openly gay.
So I have this great job, this great house, this wonderful partner. It's everything I've been looking for. But I feel emptier than I did when I was looking for these things.
All the experiences, ideas, even material things I wished for seem to be falling in my lap. I'm getting paid more. Life is getting easier. My family accepts me for who I am, and I come home to a wonderful, attractive, intelligent guy every day. So why the hell am I bored? Was it the chase that kept me going? Was it the wont of these things that propelled me?
Today I stretched for three hours. I meditated for an hour longer. In the past few weeks I've begun rediscovering Tai Chi, in the hopes that through all this meditation and self-digging I would un-earth whatever it was that was bothering me. Still no luck.
I feel like I'm not done, like I still haven't reached whatever it is I'm reaching for. If I knew where the top of the hill was, it would be a hell of a lot easier a climb. I'm not even sure I'm climbing now.
So what am I doing? I'ev started excercising. Working out an hour or more a day, in addition to stretches, meditation, hoping to find that plateau. And maybe that's what scares me. The plateau. Did I find it already?
I've lately obsessed over Sciencedaily.com, CNN.com, the Discovery Channel, even Fark.Com, reading, researching, looking, for god-knows-what. I've read three books this month, started new projects at work, and it keeps coming easier. I'm getting bored.
When I was 13 I had somewhat of a nervous breakdown. I went to the hospital for 6 weeks, diagnosed with clinical depression. Big news, so I ahve something in common with half of my generation. But I remember vividly the moment it started, and that was an all-too-familiar feeling.
I was gazing out the window of my bedroom, through the limbs of the trees in my front yard, and into the stars. I asked myself a simple question, proposed a random thought. Why? Why are the stars interesting? What draws us to them? And in my 13-year-old mind, the simple conclusion was that there was nothing left for us here. No more hunting and gathering, no more living to reproduce -and where did that leave us, the gay population anyway? What purpose did I have in the grand scheme? Certainly I'm not proned to continue the race, to reproduce. Wasn't that the point of life? To continue to live? When living becomes easy, when success comes easy, what's left?
I'ce decided to stretch more. Excercize more. Write more. I've written more of the story I've been trying to write for years, than I ever have. Maybe I need the boredom. Maybe I need to channel all that's left over into my writing.
Write. Work out. Write. Work out. I'll keep pushing. Maybe, I hope, I'll figure out what it is I'm pushing toward. In the meantime, I'll push.
I love Eric more than I can say here. He's everything I've been searching for in a partner. Intelligent, intuitive, into things I'm into, well-read, well-versed, and I can spend the whole night talking to him about everything and nothing. I feel fulfilled, where love is concerned. I've found the illusive requited love. Yay me.
I love my job here. My boss is incredible. The hotel has its challenges, but we're overcoming them. We have a great team.
I love the area. Newport, Pawtuxet Village, College Hill in Providence, and even Providence itself, which is beautiful, just overshadowed by the beauty of its surrounding areas.
Last week, during pride week I got goosebumps when I saw the rainbow flag hanging from City Hall. It felt like justification in the wake of my parents, (and recently the rest of my extended family - another rant to come) finding out about my sexuality. Being gay is accepted here, not just tolerated. The mayor of Providence is openly gay.
So I have this great job, this great house, this wonderful partner. It's everything I've been looking for. But I feel emptier than I did when I was looking for these things.
All the experiences, ideas, even material things I wished for seem to be falling in my lap. I'm getting paid more. Life is getting easier. My family accepts me for who I am, and I come home to a wonderful, attractive, intelligent guy every day. So why the hell am I bored? Was it the chase that kept me going? Was it the wont of these things that propelled me?
Today I stretched for three hours. I meditated for an hour longer. In the past few weeks I've begun rediscovering Tai Chi, in the hopes that through all this meditation and self-digging I would un-earth whatever it was that was bothering me. Still no luck.
I feel like I'm not done, like I still haven't reached whatever it is I'm reaching for. If I knew where the top of the hill was, it would be a hell of a lot easier a climb. I'm not even sure I'm climbing now.
So what am I doing? I'ev started excercising. Working out an hour or more a day, in addition to stretches, meditation, hoping to find that plateau. And maybe that's what scares me. The plateau. Did I find it already?
I've lately obsessed over Sciencedaily.com, CNN.com, the Discovery Channel, even Fark.Com, reading, researching, looking, for god-knows-what. I've read three books this month, started new projects at work, and it keeps coming easier. I'm getting bored.
When I was 13 I had somewhat of a nervous breakdown. I went to the hospital for 6 weeks, diagnosed with clinical depression. Big news, so I ahve something in common with half of my generation. But I remember vividly the moment it started, and that was an all-too-familiar feeling.
I was gazing out the window of my bedroom, through the limbs of the trees in my front yard, and into the stars. I asked myself a simple question, proposed a random thought. Why? Why are the stars interesting? What draws us to them? And in my 13-year-old mind, the simple conclusion was that there was nothing left for us here. No more hunting and gathering, no more living to reproduce -and where did that leave us, the gay population anyway? What purpose did I have in the grand scheme? Certainly I'm not proned to continue the race, to reproduce. Wasn't that the point of life? To continue to live? When living becomes easy, when success comes easy, what's left?
I'ce decided to stretch more. Excercize more. Write more. I've written more of the story I've been trying to write for years, than I ever have. Maybe I need the boredom. Maybe I need to channel all that's left over into my writing.
Write. Work out. Write. Work out. I'll keep pushing. Maybe, I hope, I'll figure out what it is I'm pushing toward. In the meantime, I'll push.
1 comment:
Hi,
I just came across your Blog. I really like your writing style. Best of luck to you and Eric. Stay positive -- easier said then done -- I know...
:-)
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